Après avoir dépensé 70 milliards de dollars sur Activision Blizzard… Et si Microsoft achetait Nintendo Next?
Dans le monde des magazines, la page arrière est l'endroit où vous trouverez toutes les gaffes étranges que nous ne pourrions intégrer nulle part ailleurs. Certains peuvent l'appeler “remplisseuse”; nous préférons “une page entière pour faire des blagues terribles qui sont tangentiellement liées au contenu du mag”.
Nous n'avons pas de pages sur Internet, mais nous aimons toujours les blagues terribles - alors bienvenue dans notre fonctionnalité semi-régulière, Retour. Today we imagine the phone call that might have taken place when Microsoft called Nintendo…
Fantastic exclusive scoop, gens: We at Nintendo Life have received a transcript of a phone call between Microsoft’s Phil Spencer and Nintendo of America’s Doug Bowser, Peu après the announcement of Microsoft’s acquisition of Activision Blizzard. How did we get it? Don’t worry about it. Why did our source send it to Nintendo Life, and not somewhere that writes about Microsoft? Don’t worry about it.
Our scene begins in the Redmond offices of the Xbox Gaming division of Microsoft. Phil Spencer is marching down a hallway, heading for a door with a sign on it that says “Phil Spencer’s Room, No PlayStation Fanboys Allowed”. Oui, this was in the transcript. Stop asking questions.
PHIL: Marjorie, hold my calls for the next two hours. And cancel all my meetings.
MARJORIE: All your meetings? What about Viva Piñata 3 à 11? I thought you were excited about tha—
PHIL: Cancel it.
[Phil Spencer slams his door and slides the “AVAILABLE” sign to “IN A MEETING”. He sits at his gigantic desk and picks up his Master Chief Funko Pop.]
PHIL: Let’s do this, John.
[He picks up the phone and speed-dials “1”.]
DOUG: Yello, Douggy B speaking.
PHIL: Doug! It’s Phil.
DOUG: Phil, I’m pretty busy today, I don’t have time for a Smash match—
PHIL: It’s not that. Il est… bien, you saw the news?
DOUG: Le ActiBlizz thing? Woof, Ouais. Was that Game Pass money?
PHIL: Game Pass, Minecraft, Halo, and also I think Satya found a couple bil’ in an account he’d forgotten about.
DOUG: Joli. But what does that have to do with Nintendo?
PHIL: Not much, am I right?
DOUG: Hahahaha yeah imagine Call of Duty sur le commutateur
PHIL: Hahahaha Crash Bandicoot in Smash Bros
DOUG: mais Mega Mawile est tellement génial que nous souhaitons que Game Freak en fasse une évolution permanente à la place…
PHIL: Eh bien, I’m deadly serious about this, Doug. With Activision, Blizzard, and King pulling in even more money for the Big X, we’re going to have to find things to do with all that cash.
DOUG: Allez sur.
PHIL: Remember that time you laughed us out of the room when we offered to buy Nintendo?
DOUG: I wasn’t there, but I heard about it.
PHIL: Eh bien, that was 20 il y a des années. Et maintenant,… I have a new business proposition for you, et cette fois, you’re not going to laugh. Car, Doug… we could unite our forces. Nintendo et Xbox, against Sony. Red and green versus blue. Think of the things we can do together.
DOUG: You’re offering to buy Nintendo.
PHIL: We could rule the world together.
DOUG: You’re hoping to throw enough money at a 150-year-old video game company that we’d agree to be owned by Microsoft.
PHIL: Pour lots of money.
DOUG: We Were Here Forever est une aventure de puzzle passionnante en coopération We Were Here Forever est une aventure de puzzle passionnante en coopération you.
PHIL: You should hear me out, Doug! Especially now we’ve got a massive stable of ActiBlizz games. Think of the metaverse opportunities.
DOUG: I am a fan of the metaverse, Phil, c'est vrai.
PHIL: Alors, here’s my pitch. And I’m going to give it to you in a few handy bullet points, because we are businessmen and we love bullet points.
DOUG: Oh my god, Phil, I love bullet points.
PHIL: Okay. Bullet point number one. Trois mots: Forcez… Mario Kart.
DOUG: Huh.
PHIL: Remember that time you put Mercedes Benzes in Mario Kart?
DOUG: I’d really rather not.
PHIL: Imagine that. But it’s every sports car from the past 50 years. Et Mario is driving them. Imaginez ceci: Yoshi in a Bugatti, dropping banana peels out the window. Shy Guy’s got the top down in a 2010 Audi TT. Bowser’s gunning it in a Ford Mustang, and Waluigi’s got a lurid purple Jaguar E-Type.
DOUG: Uh huh. I’m taking notes.
[Doug is doodling Peach in a Mini Cooper.]
PHIL: Bullet point the second: We could share Chris Pratt.
DOUG: Oh, I love Chris Pratt. He is very funny. [laughs]
PHIL: I love his movies about the man who has one personality trait and a six-pack!
DOUG: Moi aussi! But that’s more of a deal for you, n'est-ce pas? je veux dire, we already have him.
PHIL: Oh. I guess so.
[Phil scratches out the words “gritty Guy Ritchie heist movie: Chris Pratt as Clippy?”]
PHIL: Then, erm… Oh! You can integrate Microsoft characters into Smash Bros. Cortana, Ou Je, the dog from Fable 2…
DOUG: The last thing Masahiro Sakurai said to me was “never say the words “Smash Bros” et “nouveaux personnages” to me again”, so I don’t think that’s likely.
PHIL: Sure, sure. Ouais. Eh bien… Dites-vous quoi, we’ll give you Rare back. How does that sound?
DOUG: But we already have Banjo-Kazooie coming to Nintendo Switch Online.
PHIL: There’s that new Perfect Dark jeu. That’s an Xbox exclusive.
DOUG: Mmm, but that’s not Rare, est-ce?
PHIL: Sea of Thieves?
DOUG: Won’t run on the Switch. And have you tried using our online multiplayer?
PHIL: Good point. fourni de vraies munitions dans les guerres de console Zelda X Fable?
DOUG: I think ceaseless fart jokes would make for a very weird Zelda.
PHIL: Tingle definitely farts.
DOUG: Our official internal company line is “pretend Tingle never existed”.
PHIL: Candy Crush Go?
DOUG: How would that even work? Are you catching jelly beans?
PHIL: Je ne sais pas! We could just tell Niantic to figure it out and rake in all the cash.
DOUG: Hmm.
PHIL: Viva Piñata?
DOUG: That’s the most convincing thing you’ve said yet, Philip.
PHIL: Okay, good, good!
[Phil scans his list. Most things are crossed out.]
PHIL: Uhhh… Oh! Here’s a pitch: Screensavers on the Nintendo Switch.
DOUG: Screensavers?
PHIL: Ouais, comme… remember that one with the maze?
DOUG: I don’t think anyone uses screensavers any more.
PHIL: Right, because no one really still uses CRT monitors. Or OLED monitors. Riiiiight?
DOUG: …
PHIL: Good thing there are no OLED consoles, haha!
DOUG: …You’ve made your point.
PHIL: Et, tell you what, we’ll throw in Encarta sur le commutateur.
DOUG: Encarta?!
PHIL: You love Encarta. I’ve seen the number of hours you put into MindMaze alone.
DOUG: How could you possibly know that? MindMaze isn’t even on Steam.
PHIL: I work at Microsoft, Doug. I see everything.
DOUG: Jusque là, your only enticing propositions have been Viva Piñata and Encarta, Phil. And I don’t think Nintendo fans are going to be interested in a bunch of 20-year-old games.
PHIL: Isn’t that your entire business model?
DOUG: Shut up.
PHIL: D'accord, okay. One last idea for you.
DOUG: It had better be good. The higher-ups won’t even look at it as it is.
PHIL: Que faire si… What if I added un autre Nintendo Switch to my games shelf? Eh?
[Doug hangs up.]
Alors… it’s not looking likely that Nintendo will end up in Xbox’s stable of game horses. But perhaps you have a more convincing argument for Doug Bowser? Faites le nous savoir dans les commentaires.